There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
