I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
