Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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