That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Randomize
