So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
