I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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