We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
