I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
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maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
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Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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