I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
