NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
