community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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