I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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