dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
