also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
