He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Blow job season was short but glorious.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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