im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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