Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
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He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
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When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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