Someone shit on the floor
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
