According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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