dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
