dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
