I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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