Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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