I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
