guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Why can't burritos get me drunk
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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