I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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