Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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