My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
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Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
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Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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