***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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