walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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