i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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