My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
