Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Life is so much better after having sex.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
