Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
