things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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