I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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