We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
