I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
