thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
