Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
why do cheetos always look like penises
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
