You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
