i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
