I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
