she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
