I'd wear matching sweaters with you
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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