I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
