are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
