Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
