I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
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