so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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