can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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