Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
