don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
