I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
