Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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