She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
